Trauma Sensitive Coach, On 5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change

As published in – AUTHORITY MAGAZINE – interview by Jake Franke

Don’t give up! Resilience and persistence can be key to overcoming challenges. Asking for support, feeling your feelings, and even writing down and making a plan to work through things with someone can be both a therapeutic and cathartic experience for you.

The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce, or job loss.

Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.

How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?

In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.

As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Barbara Anna StClaire-Ostwald.

Barbara StClaire-Ostwald, MA,BSc (Hons), is a Master Executive Coach & Supervisor, Interculturalist and expert in Trauma Sensitive Coaching and Neuroscience. She works with many individuals and groups around the world supporting them through social pressures, decision making, discovering how to let go of the past and understanding their body-mind connection to live full and transformative lives through embodied self-awareness. For more information visit https://barbarastc.com

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

Iwas born in London, United Kingdom, into a traditional Polish family who were first-generation WWII refugees. They could not return to Poland after the war and so remained in the UK. I guess you could call me a 3rd Culture Kid because when I say traditional Polish Family, I also mean community. Outside of going to an English school five days a week, my home and social life were completely different. My parents had Polish friends, which meant I too had Polish friends my age. We had Polish school on Saturdays. I belonged to a Polish folklore dance troupe, and we performed traditional folklore dance around Essex and Suffolk. My home life was very much in the Polish tradition — we even had Polish churches in London and around the county in Essex and Suffolk. I mean wherever there was a community of Polish people, traditions were important. Part of my mother’s family ended up in France, and my Godmother is French and she’s my relative. So, I was completely tri-lingual at an early age. Growing up I would hear my father and his colleagues talking a lot about the war over a glass of beer and by the time I was a teenager, it was like “oh, talking about the war again”. It’s only when you grow up and start to reflect, and understand, if at all possible, what it must have been like to experience what they did and to lose everything. To be given half an hour to pack whatever you could and be shipped out to Siberia from your home by the KGB, and then after a few years, manage to cross the mountains and join the Polish Free Army as a young man. It wasn’t just my dad, but my grandad and uncle as well. My grandma and auntie ended up in Iran, and my mother was taken at the age of 14 by the Germans to work on a farm in Austria. She ran away and was found by Polish Resistance fighters and taken to Italy where she spent the war on Lake Como with an Italian family who owned a restaurant.

Sometimes when I think back on how my dad and his friends needed to talk things through just to keep themselves grounded and support one another — there was no other help for them. They only had themselves and they understood, even when they sat in silence and were just present with each other. That was often enough. As a child I didn’t feel their trauma constantly, they kept a lot of their pain and anguish away from me as did the other Polish families from their children.

So, for me it was wonderful to be living in these two different cultures; being able to visit Poland and France for my holidays; spending time with the family that my parents couldn’t. My parents did get to go back to Poland though, in the late 60s for the first time. Before I end this very short insight, in 1968 when we were driving back from Poland to the UK by car, my parents, my cousin Stephen, and I encountered Russian troops along the East German motorways. They were hidden in the forests in Poland in their tanks on their way to what was then Czechoslovakia. I can still hear the thunderous rumble of the tanks in my head when I think about this. I was so scared!

Can you please give us your favourite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

By all means! You may be pleasantly surprised by my answer! As a young girl my teenage idol was Sophia Loren and, in fact, still is to this day. I even named my daughter after her! The quote I have is hers because I feel it says a lot about who I am — I have always had a rebellious streak in me, and I don’t like to blame others for my faults, so here goes: “I have never judged myself by other people’s standards. I have always expected a great deal of myself, and if I fail, I fail myself.” I am my own worst critic, and it sometimes annoys my husband. What it says about me is that I am resilient, and failure is part of life. It is hard when it happens, but you learn from it, and it is what it is. Move onwards and upwards!

You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.

Great question! The first quality I would say is RESILIENCE. I think it comes from having very strong female role models in my family. My grandmother on my father’s side, for example, survived the Russian Revolution; The First and Second World War; Siberia twice, and ended up in London having lost so much. She did manage to recover her house in Bialystok but yes, a woman to be reckoned with. My Mother was amazing, strong-willed having survived being taken from her family home at the age of 14. Beaten and let’s not go into other stuff, in Austria — escaping — living in Italy, ending up in London when she thought she was on a boat to the USA. There were other losses, but this isn’t the place to talk about them.

The second quality is AUTHENTIC. This may be a bit of a strange one and can sometimes be misunderstood but I’ve been told many times in feedback that I express myself clearly and comfortably creating transparency in interactions. I’ve been told that I respect my clients’ time and preferences. I do as I say and say as I do, I am reliable, and I keep my promises going above and beyond to help others. I am what you see.

Last but not least, I was attending a Human Resources, Training and Coaching Trade Fair in London in the mid-2000’s and suddenly a lady literally jumped out from behind her stall and handed me a laminated card and she said, “before you look at this card, I saw you walking towards our stall and you had this glow about you and I had to give you this particular card because, to me, it’s who you are!” Well, that was strange I thought. I thanked her and looked at the card (which by the way I still have to this day) and it read “I have charisma. People get a buzz from being around me. I infect people with my own passion and commitment.”

I don’t really know what to call this third quality — but one word does stand out and speaks to me very strongly and it is PASSION.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?

Yes absolutely. I have experienced several tragic losses in my life, but being of a resilient nature, I kind of swept them under the carpet. I have been lucky to have been blessed with really good health most of my life, aside from childhood MMR before vaccinations were available and had rubella twice! But what impacted my life immeasurably, and that of my family, happened in 2002 when I attended a BBQ and ate an uncooked piece of chicken which was infected with campylobacter and, unfortunately for me, the bacteria decided to attack my autoimmune system. I went to my local doctor who sent me for tests but, in 2002 they didn’t automatically look for campylobacter, only helicobacter, which I also had. So, the helicobacter was treated but I was just not getting better, and six months down the road I became terribly ill. I had private medical insurance and saw a Gastroenterologist who found the culprit but, it had already started its attack on my autoimmune system and launched a full-out war against me. In the end, this marvellous Doctor (gastro) sent me to see several specialists including a spinal specialist, an endocrinologist, a cardiologist, and a neurologist. The bacteria started the onset of Osteoarthritis attacking my spine, my brain, and an artery close to the heart. I had to leave my job and we had to downsize our home and between 2002 and 2016, it resulted in my having 15 medical interventions and some serious surgeries. I had 10 years of brain scans to see if the calcification that happened when my body went into shock, was progressing, or if it had been stopped point blank.

How did you react in the short term?

Me being me, I decided to fight it all the way, to stand strong, to not let it defeat me (remember the women in my life: my grandmother and mother)! I was just defiant. I decided to retrain. I went back to university and took a master’s degree in Coaching & Mentoring Practices in Oxford and a Certificate in Cultural Training and started working for myself. I was very stubborn and worked even when I found it hard to stand. I often needed to use a walking stick and gritted my teeth because I was in so much pain. I just didn’t want to be defined by these bacteria. I kept up the exercises with the physios and took my meds because some were necessary as I developed Hashimoto’s Thyroid condition (auto-immune disease). However, painkillers were a problem as I am allergic to morphine!

After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?

To help with the pain I went swimming at a local gym and exercised by taking walks in Greenwich Park and visiting my physiotherapist, Keith. I also tried meditation and yoga, but it just didn’t do it for me, mainly because I found that “breathing” was a trigger! I then started looking more into scientific and coaching methods to help me relax, such as, somatic coaching and listening to my body from the inside out. Acupuncture did wonders for my blood circulation, and deep body massages were fabulous, relaxing all the muscles and tension I was holding inside.

Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?

When did I have my ‘AHA’ moment? It was in 2019/2020 the Covid era. I joined an online webinar run by Coaches Rising called Neuroscience of Change. It was during one of the webinars run by Alan Fogel (Prof of Psychology Emeritus, University of Utah, USA) when suddenly I experienced a state of awareness that literally changed my life! He was talking about a new model called the “Three States of Embodied Self-Awareness” which were 1.

Dysregulated; 2. Modulated; 3. Restorative. I suddenly understood that I had been living in a Dysregulated State (Trauma & Stress) for more than 20+ years. My resultant response to this realisation was OMG it all makes sense now! My shoulders dropped. My body went into deep relaxation. I had tears running down my face. I thought for a moment there, I need to share this with others.

Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?

I started learning more about dysregulation by finding out more about the people involved in the research and the links behind the body and brain. I enrolled in various courses and continued professional development within coaching so that I could help myself understand more about how the body can restore itself with the right tools, anchors, and know-how so that I could start to live a stress-free life. I now have these tools, these anchors and knowledge that support me when I find I am slipping through the cracks, and they help me to keep my balance. This is what I want to share with others.

Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?

Yes, aside from my husband, and Coaches Rising who put on these amazing courses with such wonderful speakers, I would like to thank my Dyad buddy Abyah Al-Dabbagh from Saudi Arabia, with whom I had very positive and valuable discussions on the Coaches Rising Course.

Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?

Absolutely. When I was triggered by reminders of past traumas, I often experienced overwhelming guilt, lots of stress and sometimes flashbacks and my body naturally reacted defensively. I became what scientists call ‘hyper-aroused’, which is the automatic activation of our ‘fight, flight or freeze’ defence response. It is these three reactions that are driven by our Autonomic System.

Why this is important is because the autonomic nervous system protects us, keeps us safe from things happening around us and/or both! So, when faced with an unsafe event for example and we can’t do anything to stop it, our body will automatically switch on our autonomic nervous system responses and therefore, if for some reason we feel scared we will automatically default to our ‘Freeze’ response known also as ‘hypo-arousal’ where we shut down and feel numb. This continuous activation of defence responses unknowingly (because its automatic) leads to other health problems.

‘The Window of Tolerance’ — originally developed by Dr Dan Siegel, MD, often called the ‘ultimate compass for the healing journey’ — is an extremely helpful framework I found to get grounded and back into the present, and out of nervous system dysregulation. With practice and learning about anchors I am now able to check myself when I feel I am outside of my window! An example I can give is when I feel overwhelmed or in a stressful environment, I use my anchor which is the beach and the sea, to help me back into the present.

What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?

Learning: My resilience certainly emerged strongly throughout this experience, or maybe it was just my Polish stubbornness, or tenacity who knows. I did learn to be more patient and forgive myself as it wasn’t my fault that I became ill. I had to stop feeling guilty, and instead, be kinder to myself.

Example: Being an Alpha Female and a doer it was difficult for me to have to take a step back. To reconcile the fact that I almost died and would never recover 100%. If I didn’t keep up with the physio and stress, I would end up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. That I would need more than one surgery on my spine in the coming years and that it would lead to other surgeries which I had not anticipated. Financially we were okay but not like before. It brought up feelings of guilt.

Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change?

1. Ask for help! Don’t feel ashamed — reach out to someone who can help you, it might be a mentor, a coach, a good friend, and if they can’t help, they may know someone who can. Some people want to help you succeed in life. Everyone in the world at some point has a low point in their life and yes, some do handle them better than others but just remember, whatever you are going through, someone else has been through it too. You are not alone. Be brave and just reach out, seek help and support: try joining a support group, or start your own support group.

2. Don’t give up! Resilience and persistence can be key to overcoming challenges. Asking for support, feeling your feelings, and even writing down and making a plan to work through things with someone can be both a therapeutic and cathartic experience for you.

3. Acceptance! Why me?! It is hard to do, but you need to learn to accept either what has happened to you or the challenges you are facing. If it helps, keep a journal to clarify your thoughts and feelings and maybe, just maybe you will gain some valuable insights about yourself.

4. Research proves that spending time in nature helps to heal the toughest challenges in our lives which is why I have my beach anchor. You may prefer to take a walk in the park, or along a river to just take in the quiet and stillness of the moment.

5. Whatever helps you! Listening to music can inspire, make us feel calm and uplifted. It can recall wonderful memories and soothe you as you come to terms with your personal challenges. If meditation helps, then Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness is very uplifting. But above all from 1–5, TAKE YOUR TIME. Take a step back, reflect, and reach out.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

I have to say that I needed to stop and think about this question profoundly. My Online Program is about support and although there are many online support groups, I still feel people are falling through the cracks because the groups can look and feel overwhelming for some.

Thinking back about my father and the trauma he lived and talked about with his colleagues started me thinking deeper about those who want to help us. Do they really understand? Is it all theoretical like the clinicians I saw? Going back to my dad, I’d also like to say, that even though my father talked a lot about the war with his friends, I sometimes saw him with just one of his friends in a pub, with a pint of beer, sitting quietly and not talking for up to an hour. I think just being there, together, quietly within the noise of the pub, was all they needed at that moment. Perhaps a movement of just ‘Being There’ is enough. It doesn’t have to be complex and structured or hierarchical. Having that lived experience with someone else and being there for someone in conversation or together in silence. After all, we are sentient beings.

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. 🙂

Keanu Reeves. He just gets on and does stuff that many of us lay-people just have no idea about. He helps so many people in charitable ways and he is very private about this. I admire him for his acting and for his benevolence. I am sad by the loss of his child as I too lost my son, but so grateful that I have an amazing daughter.

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!